How to Help Your Anxious Child
As a parent or caregiver of a child who is exhibiting symptoms of anxiety, it’s important to have a plan for support. Solutions for meeting the physical needs of children is often more obvious and offers more immediate results than caring for emotional and mental health needs. Below are some strategies and tools you can use to help identify and support an anxious child.
Identify if its normal childhood worries or something more. Typical childhood worries include; fear of the dark, fear of strangers, fear of dogs or other big animals, fear of bugs, heights, going to the doctor and getting injections or blood draws, loud noises, imaginary monsters, fear of being alone or death of parents, separation from parents, scary dreams. Older children tend to fear real life dangers such as fire, tornadoes, etc. Normal worries can become anxiety when the child can’t be soothed or calmed, when the fear response is out of proportion to the actual event, and the level of anxiety is so distressing that it’s interfering with activities such as school performance and social and family activities. Here are some tips and tools to help your child become a worry buster.
Name it to tame it. Help your child build their emotional vocabulary by prompting them to name their emotions. Young children don’t have this skill. It can be helpful for parents to narrate for their young child. For example; “You’re feeling mad because I told you no.” “You’re feeling sad and disappointed because it’s raining and you can’t play outside.” “You’re feeling nervous because school starts soon and you’ll be in a new class.”
Help them regulate their body and emotions. Make a connection. Just sit with them to let them know that you’re there to support them. Acknowledge and validate their feelings. This doesn’t mean that you necessarily agree with them. It does let your child know that you see them and you hear them.
Connect and redirect. Help your child practice restating their anxiety/worry in a more workable and realistic form. Often, our anxious thoughts aren’t true or based in reality. Kids (and adults) can get caught up in the “what if’s” ... what if I throw up, what if I have a panic attack in public...what if everyone looks at me or laughs at me, etc.
Help your child create some separation from their anxiety. Ask them to draw a picture of their anxiety and give it a name. Teach your child to talk back to their anxiety. “I’m not going to let you trick me today.” “I know that I’m safe in this situation and I can be brave.” Ask your child what their anxiety is telling them and respond with something like “What do you think will really happen?” “Which version feels more right to you?”
Help your child make a list of their coping thoughts and coping strategies. Keep a copy nearby and prompt your child to pick some items from the list when feeling anxious. Create a calm space in the house where your child can go and reset. It’s important to practice coping strategies when feeling calm so that those skills become habit and are easier to access when feeling anxious.
Make a worry box. Have your child write or draw their worries and put them in the box. Once or twice a week, sit down together and sort through the worries. Some of them might have resolved on their own. Help your child make a positive plan for dealing with the other worries.
Make a calm box with a list of positive activities that can help your child manage their worry. Ideas include coloring pages and supplies, fidgets, books to read, breathing exercises, yoga poses or stretching, happy pictures to look at, small puzzles to solve, journal to write in, positive affirmations, inspiring quotes, small treats, scented candle or essential oil on a cotton ball.
Learn about your child's anxiety signs and triggers. Try not to enable your child when they want to avoid an anxious situation. Do try to help them problem solve and encourage them to be brave when facing an anxiety provoking situation. In general, avoidance makes anxiety grow.
Keep your own anxiety and worries in check. Let your child see you deal with anxiety in a positive way. Point out when you are feeling anxious and using positive coping strategies.
Keep up with daily routines. Routines and structure help children feel safe. They know what to expect and can take comfort in the predictable schedule.
Steps to take in the middle of an anxious moment or panic episode:
Get your child to breathe deeply and slowly with you. Breathe in to the count of 3, hold for 3, breathe out to the count of 3. Sit with them and be a calming/reassuring presence. Help them do a grounding exercise. Name 3 things you can see, 3 things you can hear, 3 things you can feel, 3 scents you can smell, 3 things you can taste. Have your child hold an ice cube and describe how it feels. Remind them that anxiety will pass. Help them remember a safe and relaxing place. Have them describe it in as much detail as possible. Encourage them to do a calming activity.
When to seek professional help:
Seek professional help when the symptoms are persistent (a month or more) and interfere with participation in social, academic, and family activities. Don’t wait to help your child. While anxiety is very common and very treatable, if it has lasted more than a month, it likely won’t go away on its own. Get smart about anxiety. Do your research. Seek professional help for your child and get ready to coach your child through those anxious moments. Some children might need medication to help calm their central nervous system so they can fully participate in and benefit from therapy. In reality, most of the work is going to happen at home. Our brains are fully capable of learning new and more positive coping strategies, but it takes consistent work and effort...most of which will happen outside of the therapy setting. A good therapist can set you and your child on the right path, but the real work happens at home. Talking with your child’s pediatrician is a good start. They can make a referral to a good therapist.
References;
Tamar E. Chansky, Ph. D., Freeing Your Child from Anxiety, Published in the United States by Harmony Books, 2004, 2014.
Youngminds.org.uk, 12/28/2022
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Susan Beckman, LCPC earned her MA in Clinical Psychology from Eastern Illinois University. She is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor with more than 30 years of experience working with children, teens, young adults, and their families.
Susan started her career as an addiction therapist in Bloomington, IL, worked as a clinician at Kiefer school/Children’s Home in Peoria, and most recently worked as a School Based Therapist for Fieldcrest CUSD#6 before joining the team at Balanced. Susan uses a trauma informed approach and draws from a variety of therapeutic tools including cognitive behavioral therapy, play therapy, mindfulness, and animal assisted therapy.