Coping with Grief During the Holidays
by Kay Blankenship, LCPC, CCMHC
Grief is unique and everyone experiences it differently. It is isolating, always evolving and makes grievers feel invisible and out of control. Holidays can bring up many complicated feelings. There’s a societal pressure to have a “hallmark” holiday complete with social media posts and pictures. In reality, these festive occasions aren’t always so festive even in the best of times. It’s important to remember that grief can be magnified and there is no right or wrong way to approach holidays. Be kind to yourself. It’s natural to experience positive and negative emotions at the same time. It’s okay to miss the person, be sad that they are not here and enjoy the holiday.
Here are five practical ways to help you get through the holidays.
Plan ahead and prioritize what is most important to you about the holiday. When a loved one dies, we not only experience the primary loss of that person but also twenty to thirty secondary losses related to the roles they had in our lives. These roles can be as simple as feeding the dog, to coordinating the family vacation or handling the taxes. If we can identify them in advance, we can grieve these losses and plan how to address them. It isn’t uncommon to experience “grief bursts” when we realize that our loved one won’t be here to do these things. If our loved one had the role of climbing on the roof to hang Christmas lights, and the first time we are reminded of this is when we see the lights as we are getting out decorations it can be overwhelming and feel like we have been hit by a tidal wave.
Lower your expectations of yourself. Give yourself permission to cancel, modify or change the holiday. Be flexible. It can help to prioritize one or two aspects of the holiday. Find what is most important and meaningful to you and focus on these aspects. If a tradition brings you comfort, then follow it. You can also honor old traditions while making new ones. These new traditions do not erase the old ones or mean that your loved one is forgotten. Lastly, if you don’t want reminders then listen to your intuition. Some find it helpful to detach and take an “emotional vacation” from the holiday. Find the time to honor what works for you.
It is okay to acknowledge the missing person. You may decide to include your loss in your holiday. This will be different for each person and each family. Some may light a candle, visit the cemetery, talk about their loved one, follow all the traditions that their loved one enjoyed and share joyful, happy memories. Others may decide to do things differently, so not all the holiday memories will hurt. They may put up an artificial tree instead of real one because it’s less painful, order a Christmas pizza instead of planning a large dinner, or decorate the tree like a “hotel” tree with no personalized ornaments.
Focus on the children in the family. Kids are vulnerable. Validate their experience and be present and available. Acknowledge the missing loved one and help the children find a way to honor the memory and their relationship. Let them decide what they need and want from you. It is also important to let kids know that it’s ok to see adults mourn. Reassure them that it’s ok, and it has nothing to do with them. Some adults find it helpful to detach assume the role of “parent mode” where the main focus of the holiday is on the children.
Set boundaries and decide your wants and needs. Unfortunately, we live in a society which is uncomfortable with grief. A person dealing with grief needs to be seen but are often ignored, because people don’t know what to say or are afraid of saying the wrong thing. If you know what you need, be specific in telling others and asking for help. If you don’t know what you need that’s ok. Give yourself a “grief-pass” and let others do things or give yourself permission to just watch. Try to find the balance between engaging and not pushing yourself too much. Dr. David Keesler who is an expert on bereavement encourages grievers to give yourself permission to say, “No” to invitations and that “NO is a complete sentence.” He also recommends if you do go to an event of family gathering to have an exit strategy, and to let people know your expectations ahead of the event such as “we are only going to stay a few minutes.”
Keep the holiday in perspective. Grief isn’t just psychological. It can affect our bodies, and even our resistance to illness. One strategy is to give grief a dedicated grieving time. For some it might be to make time to go to the cemetery and for others it may be to take a moment to experience their emotions while they are in the shower. Accept that the holiday may be a challenge and make a list of coping skills and self-care strategies. These may include eating healthily, creating time for self-care, practicing yoga or breathing exercises, going for walks, talking with a friend, or journaling. If you are feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope, then it is important to seek help from a mental health professional. Be compassionate with yourself and try to take things one feeling and holiday event at a time.
About the Author
Kay Blankenship is board certified and a licensed clinical professional counselor at Balanced LLC in Washington, Illinois. She has been in the field of education and mental health for more than twenty years and completed her MPC at University of Providence in Montana. Kay has a passion for developing wellness and suicide prevention programming; is a certified QPR suicide prevention trainer and serves as a consultant for communities and organizations.